Wife: When you drink Indian
i.e. desi and come home, you call me 'Rani.' When you drink English, you
call me fairy.
What have you drunk today that you are calling me a witch?
Husband: I am not drunk today, sweetheart!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife,
"No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie
tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law
gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a
million dollars and beat me half to death."
The honeymoon is over when the
husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine
says it is in the microwave.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it
weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be
A man said his credit card was
stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending
less than his wife did.
Love is blind but marriage is
The most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue
with a spouse who is packing your parachute
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's
an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce
is at least 100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car
is new or the wife.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Bachelors should pay more taxes, they enjoy a better quality of life.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife became pregnant, and delivered a baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. 'I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child,' he said to his wife. 'Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.' When his wife blushed, he became suspicious. 'Have you been fooling around on me?' he demanded. His wife confessed: 'Not this time.'
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife
decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, 'It really works!'
Cash, Check, or Charge
'Cash, check, or charge?' the
cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed
a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'Do you always carry your TV remote?' the cashier asked.
'No,' she replied. 'But my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him.'
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
A husband and wife are watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,' and
the husband winks and says, 'Honey, let's go upstairs...'
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, 'Is that your final answer?' The wife says yes.
The husband says, 'Well, can I phone a friend?'
Men to his wife
A man told
his wife one day, 'I don't know how u can be so stupid and so beautiful
all at the same time.' Thew wife responded, 'Allow me 2 explain. God made
me beautiful so u would be attracted 2 me , and stupid so I would be attracted
couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically
asked, 'Are they relatives of yours?'
'Yes,' his wife replied. 'I married into the family.'