- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv...
another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt
message
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God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
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The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
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CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama.
FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
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Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an
dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read
without the word dog.
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Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
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I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna
feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
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ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
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Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back
for 50p.
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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower
than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
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Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
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I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when
you change gears...
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There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend.
Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
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What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
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I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
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A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension
in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
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What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
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Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know
how to drive this thing?"
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What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action.
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Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
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WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
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What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
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Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
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What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
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What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fcuked the miners, the other fcuked the Majors
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Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
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Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
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Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach
is aiming just a little too high.
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I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience
and didn't come back for a day and a half.
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What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
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I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
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How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
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For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
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Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags - great to play on your mobile
phone sms friends :)
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What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
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Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber
field.
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Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
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Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
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What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey,
I'm home!
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What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
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How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
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Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
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Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An f****ing know it all.
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A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer.
The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
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Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
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I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for
the night?
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
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Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth
child born is chinese.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
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Q: How did the polak burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
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Q: What's difference between Yoghurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
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Q: Whats diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? Ones white,
made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other
you carry groceries in.
A: A visitor.
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
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It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
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I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to
get you.
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You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
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I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
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My Reality Check bounced.
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Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
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Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
whiz on your computer.
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Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
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I have the body of a god Buddha
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The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat
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Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
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Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
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There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
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Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
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Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
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What do you call a handcuffed man?
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Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags - great to play on your dumb c