ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

SMART ANSWERS FOR DUMB QUESTIONS

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
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Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
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"What do you use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
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In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet.
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you
try again or should I try this time."
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At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why?Would it rather have been you?
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When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
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At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good ?
Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We
occasionaly also spit in it.
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When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just
when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan
would win. What do you think?
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At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.
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You are smoking a cigarette and your new date asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
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I went alone on our honeymoon.
My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
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No man is justified for spitting in another man's face unless his
moustache is on fire.
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A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses
her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to,"
replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
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The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
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Father: Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine..
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A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've
been brought here for drinking."
"Great," the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
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Haughty woman : "Little girl, I am lookin for a small brown dog with one eye.
Saucy girl: 'If he's only small you'd better use both eyes!"
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My dog can jump 10 ft.
Thats nothing, my dog can jump as high as our house.
I dont believe it.
It's true. mind it, our house can't jump very high.
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"Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot."
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WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Element : Woman

Symbol : Wo

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence :
                      Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly
                       lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas.
                       Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
                       a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
                       b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
                       c) Melts if given special treatment.
                       d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
                       e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
                       f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
                       a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
                       b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
                       c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
                       d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
                       e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
                       f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
                       g) Highly Inflammable.

Uses :
                       a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
                       b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
                       c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
                       d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

LOOKING FOR A WIFE ?

Hardware Requirements:

1.Pleasant screen and chassis.
2.Moderate size disk drives.
3.Must come with original manufacturer write-protect tab.
4.Must be easily interconnectable to accessories such as
vacuum cleaners, ovens, brooms, washing machines, etc.

Software Requirements:

1.Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Housewife Language)
basic command subset (e.g. clean, wash, cook, "of course dear").
2.Single-user mode ONLY.
3.Very-user-friendly interface.
4.Word "no" must not appear in /usr/dict/words.

USEFUL PUNCHLINES !

Wanna Set Your Account Even with SomeBody ? Here are just the right punchlines for you...

1. A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
2. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
3. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
4. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
5. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
6. At least there is one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
7. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
8. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
9. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you
10.Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
11.If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
12.Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
13.Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
14.Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
15.Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
16.Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
17.Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
18.He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
19.He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
20.You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.
21.He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
22.He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
23.He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
24.He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
25.He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
26.He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
27.He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
28.How come you're here? I thought the zoo was closed at night!
29.How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
30.How much refund do you expect on your head -- Now that it's EMPTY.
31.How would you like to feel the way you look?
32.Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
33.I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
34.I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
35.I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
36.I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
37.I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
38.I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
39.I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate! (if you are at all!)
40.I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
41.I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
42.I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
43.I've seen people like you before, but I always had to pay admission!